Kimmel’s 8 Best Jokes From His Return, Ranked
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In case you’ve been living under a rock—meaning stuck in Washington D.C., Nashville, Portland (Oregon), Salt Lake City, or St. Louis—wherever your local ABC affiliate station is still refusing to carry Jimmy Kimmel Live!—Jimmy Kimmel is back! (https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/stephen-colbert-jimmy-fallon-jimmy-kimmel-return-1236378614/)
With laughs, tears, and several standing ovations, Kimmel’s return monologue (https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-features/jimmy-kimmel-returns-thanks-supporters-slams-trump-1236378375/) following a short-lived suspension over on-air remarks didn’t disappoint (https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-reviews/jimmy-kimmel-live-return-monologue-critic-analysis-1236378480/). As The Hollywood Reporter TV critic Angie Han wrote in her review of Tuesday’s show, Kimmel ‘rose to the occasion,’ which, considering the occasion, was a very high bar to clear. Kimmel ‘expertly’ deployed his ‘not-so-secret weapon’ of sincerity, Han wrote.
But this is still a comedy show, and though I’m no critic, your friendly neighborhood THR TV editor is here to tell you that those bombs did anything but bomb. Also, I ranked them.
In descending order:
- The Happiest Place on Earth
After a joke last week about right-wingers scrambling to distance their politics from Charlie Kirk’s alleged assassin Tyler Robinson, Kimmel said talk show hosts from all across the world (https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/jimmy-kimmel-affair-international-response-test-free-speech-1236377894/?thumbnailid=1236377895) reached out to share their support. Kimmel: ‘The guy in Germany offered me a job. Can you imagine? This country has become so authoritative, the Germans are like, ‘Come here.’’
- Cruz (on Government) Control
Kimmel thanked Republicans who stood up for him while suspended. Kimmel: ‘Even my old pal Ted Cruz, who believe it or not, said something very beautiful on my behalf.’ CUT TO: CRUZ’S PODCAST AUDIO
Cruz: ‘I hate what Jimmy Kimmel said. I am thrilled that he was fired.’
Kimmel: ‘Oh, no wait. Not that — the other part.’
- Guys, Be Serious
Tuesday’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! cold open featured a montage of television news media programs hyping up Kimmel’s return monologue as among ‘the most anticipated in late night in years.’ The punchline: Kimmel in a bear (or bear-like?) suit and his sidekick/head of security Guillermo in a banana costume. Kimmel: ‘Maybe we should—‘
Guillermo: ‘Change?’
Kimmel: ‘Yeah.’
- Acetaminophen for Headaches
The joke after Kimmel’s ‘I’m happy to be here with you’ welcome to his studio audience had among the best laughs-per-word ratio of the night. Kimmel: ‘I’m not sure who had a weirder 48 hours, me or the CEO of Tylenol.’
On Trump saying Kimmel has ‘No ratings’: Kimmel: ‘Well, I do tonight!’
You almost have to feel sorry for him,’ Kimmel continued. ‘He did his best to cancel me, instead he forced millions of people to watch the show — that backfired bigly. He might have to release the Epstein files to distract us from this now.’
- Open With a Joke
Kimmel was armed with a perfect opening line once his one-minute-plus standing ovation died down. Kimmel: ‘Anyway, as I was saying before I was interrupted…’
- ‘You Talkin’ to Brendan Carr?’
When Kimmel returned from commercial for part two of his lengthy monologue, he was joined via video by the new chairman of the FCC — a goodfella. Via satellite (really just WiFi these days), Robert De Niro put in some of his best gangster acting since Analyze This (yes, I’m aware of The Irishman) as the new guy serving ‘Sir Trump’ and the public interest. It was a long bit that was solid the whole way through, but some of De Niro’s standout lines were:
‘We also got a new motto at the FCC: Sticks and stones may break your bones.’ (The end.)
His closer: ‘A couple cases of Tylenol fell off a truck and now I gotta figure out how to put autism in ‘em.’
- The Big Mea Culpa
‘A lot of people have been asking me if there are conditions to my return to the air, and there is one,’ Kimmel said, pulling out a piece of paper from his suit’s inside pocket. ‘Disney has asked me to read the following statement, and I’ve agreed to do it.’
Here we go: ‘To reactivate your Disney+ or Hulu account, open the Disney+ app on your smart TV or TV-connected device.’
- Disney’s Family (of Affiliates’) Feud
For fans of revenge, Kimmel’s first full sentence/joke was short, but so very, very sweet. ‘If you’re just joining us, we are preempting your regularly scheduled encore episode of Family Feud.’ Watch for yourself, like everyone else (https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/tv/tv-news/jimmy-kimmel-return-monologue-youtube-1236378551/):
